Learning to Make Decisions
May 5, 2006
11:43 a.m., MT

Music: 'Standing in the Way', from 'Once More, With Feeling' (Buffy episode)

I've been thinking about that process a good bit lately, and conversations with some of you have kept thrusting it back into my mind. Just the other day a friend commented on how fun parenting is. Most of the time, I agree with that assessment. In all honesty, though, I think that's largely because I became a parent later in life, and after I was sure that I wanted to have a child. I had a lot of time in between coming to that realization and actually getting pregnant to think about what kind of parent I wanted to be, and of course reflecting on my parents and my childhood.

I think I was more fortunate than I knew, to have the kind of mother I did. (My father, like many fathers of that era, worked a full-time job and didn't have a lot of time to be involved with his children while we were young. I did get to know him better, but that came well after I reached adulthood.) She wasn't perfect—in fact, she could be so distant that for years I mistakenly thought she didn't love me—but she did some things so right that I've consciously woven them into my parenting style. I wish I were more consistent with some of them, but it can be difficult, in no small part because of the cultural shifts across the generations.

One of the best things about my mom is that she wasn't always serious with me. Whenever she was suitably inspired, she'd just get silly and would answer my questions with the most ridiculous assertions or explanations. That taught me to carefully evaluate pretty much everything someone told me. When she didn't want to play that game, she'd meet my myriad questions with, Look it up/Figure it out for yourself, or some other variant on that theme. I interpreted such responses as she didn't have the time or just couldn't be bothered to help me ... which may have been true; but it taught me that if I wanted something, I should work at getting it for myself, rather than count on someone else. In fairly short order, I became very good with the dictionary and encyclopedia. I was also making my own breakfast fairly young, as she was a late sleeper and I, like my father, kept milkman's hours. So if I served myself too much cereal or spilled a bunch of milk trying to wield a full carton, I had to deal with the consequences—and wasting food wasn't an option. Last, neither of my parents butted in to what I was doing with offers to help; it was well understood that my homework was my work, and similarly with stuff I chose to do on my own, I'd only get help if I asked for it—and not always then.

When I was growing up I hated a lot of this, of course. I often felt abandoned by my parents, and railed against my cruel fate ... but some time in my teens, I became cognizant that I was a lot more competent than many of my peers. I could make a whole meal from scratch, and time it so that everything got to the table, hot and fresh at about the same time. I could remember a list of items to pick up from the grocery store without needing to write them down, and was trusted to prioritize if money was tight and something cost more than expected (of course, that was easy in one respect: the cigarettes were always atop the list). Heck, by the time I was ten or so I was being sent on shopping errands uptown regularly, which required me to cross a busy five-lane road by myself. Try letting a kid do something like that in parts of the USSA today and the parents are likely to be strung up for abandonment or abuse.

That keys in to part of the challenge I'm having as a parent; I want my children to grow into their competence much as I did. But it's difficult to do so. Part of the problem lies in the pervasive child-snatching fears so many adults have. Both Lobo and Sweetie are on record as being more paranoid about this than I am; I think I've horrified each of them by letting the snolfs (mostly Snolf the First, as he's generally more aware of his surroundings and able to deal with them) set off on side excursions on their own during shopping trips. Sometimes things they want to do seem outside their abilities, but is my comfort a suitable reason for intervening? How else will a child learn what he or she is capable of—not to mention how his or her capabilities have expanded—if they aren't tested?

But I'm certainly not without sin here, either. Many times I've helped a snolf do something simply because I didn't want to deal with the hassle that would likely ensue from the mess I think would happen if I didn't intervene. I'm really bad about this in the kitchen, which is probably worst because they need to learn to do things for themselves there most of all. It's also the case that I enjoy my children; I like being with them, playing with them, and learning things along with them—their enthusiasm and energy and unique perspectives help me keep a better frame of mind. Sometimes I think I let what I gain from interacting with them override what I ought to be teaching or encouraging in them, though. My son asks for more help with his reading than he needs, for example; and I know this, because I've seen him ask me for help but then figure the word out on his own before I've been able to assist. But I don't always resist the temptation to help, even though I can recognize he just wants it, rather than needs it.

My mother taught me a lot about making decisions and taking the consequences. Doesn't mean I've always made good decisions, but that's a given for any human being. I think a big part of why I enjoy being a mom so much is because it was a conscious decision to allow that possibility to become reality. Being able to make informed decisions is a critical part of being a competent person—and the absence of that capability goes hand in hand with the rise of the nanny state, as even some of the bureaucrats recognize (see last paragraph—but the entire piece is worth reading for other reasons; and please note I don't agree with the implicit idea of what a good decision is). Not enough people do, though; as evidenced by this headline. If I were ever stupid or careless enough to say something like that, I'd deserve every bit of bitch-slapping my child could deliver; and I hope I'd have the grace to take it and be proud of the snolf for dishing it out.

It's damn hard, navigating the fine line between standing beside someone and standing in his way. But it isn't limited to parent-child interactions; that line is present in any caring relationship between two people.

Sunni

Comments: 5 people have contributed to the conversation

On Saturday, May 6th, at approximately 9:15 a.m. Mountain time, Xpat said:

Once again, Sunni, you've put good words to good thoughts. You may recall a statement I made a while back in an email that I didn't pay as much attention to your parenting posts as the freedom message. But, you struck one of my heartstrings with your candid view of raising children and being raised yourself. And I'm thinking that good parenting has a lot to do with freedom. Your child is really the only other person that you can try to mold into a free person so maybe you've uncovered yet another way to encourage freedom.

I was raised on a farm and walked (uphill in the snow both ways of course) to a one room schoolhouse every day (there were 2 of us in my class, the same school where my grandmother taught as a young woman!). Not much outside influence besides neighbors and of course Mom was always home. We were taught that hard work was a virtue and the rewards were a measure of our effort. Either we put up enough food for the winter or went hungry. If I wanted a few cents to buy something, I had to earn it. Probably when I learned to question the gubmint stealing the fruits of my labor.

If more parents took their responsibilities even half as seriously as you, society would be a much better place than it is today. Children who are raised by others from the time they get out of diapers (or before) are deprived of the attention that only mom and dad can give. Doesn't matter how caring their surrogate parent du jour is, the consistency and moral support is just not there. And yes, I still believe that it takes both a mom and dad to raise a well adjusted, morally centered free person. I have a lot of respect for the dedication and effort of single parents but my belief is the child is only going to be half raised.

Parents should spend as much time as possible with their child when the child is very young, builds the foundation of their relationship. As the child matures, the duties of mom and dad change to that of mentor, confidant, safe haven, someone that can be counted on to always be there. Then finally, mom and dad must be the ones to boot the kid out into the big ugly world to make their own way. That was the dad's job in our family.

Both my wife and I juggled careers around child raising. Sometimes working opposite shifts so that one of us was with the kids all the time. Occasionally when that wouldn't work out they'd spend an hour or so at a neighbor's house with their friends or for a while we lived close enough to grandparents.

About the only thing I'd do different today is homeschool. Sent our daughters to gubmint concentration day camp. But they got a goodly dose of skepticism and learned to question "authority" from their dad. And since we were fortunate to live in fairly good neighborhoods, their education had some quality (lots of money at least). I'm curious to hear more from Jorge on how the "unschooling" of his children progresses. An interesting idea but really parents are always teaching their children something (good or bad).

I agree that parenting and relationships have some commonality but there is nothing as unique as the relationship one will have with their offspring. If only the parents will spend the time. Follow your instincts as a mother, Sunni, and look forward to being proud of your efforts one day.

P.S. Gotta make smaller comments, this little tiny box is really tough...

On Sunday, May 7th, at approximately 10:09 a.m. Mountain time, Sunni said:

Thanks for sharing your memories, Xpat—and yes, I was surprised to see it was you who'd commented on this ramble. Very good thoughts of your own.

I can make the comment box bigger if that would help you.

On Sunday, May 7th, at approximately 10:36 a.m. Mountain time, Xpat said:

No need to change the box. I use xemacs to write anything more than a few sentences. Cut&paste is a wonderful thing

On Sunday, May 7th, at approximately 4:26 p.m. Mountain time, Monika said:

Again, great thoughts.
I bought a book recently, by Janusz Korczak- a great humanist, child-specialist and writer. I always wanted to read something he wrote on raising children. The book is "How to love a child?", it was published in 1918, but it hasn't lost any of its meaning even though he wrote it almost 100 years ago. Therein he makes this wonderful observation with which I heartily agree: so many parents want their children to be "good" children, but what they really mean is "comfortable" children. Children who don't cry, don't wake mothers from their naps, sit quietly and always wait before speaking until someone asks them a question.
It is a mravel to read the book and find out that people had basically the same thoughts and problems with childrearing 100 years ago, and that they come from the mouth of a man who could run away from being transported to Treblinka death camp but chose to die with the little ones he took care of in his orphanage.
Needles to say I recommend any of his books. He also wrote fiction for children, for example "King Matthew the First", rings a bell with Ken Schooland's "Jonathan Gullible". I'm not sure whether there is an English translation though.

On Monday, May 8th, at approximately 9:17 a.m. Mountain time, Sunni said:

Hi Monika! So glad to hear from you—I'd started to get concerned. Hope all's well with you and yours and the baby-making ...

Thank you so much for the comments! You've given me much to think on ... and that's before I get to reading anything by Korczak. Googling a bit, I've found a web site devoted to him—the original version's in German, but there's an English version too. Just found them, so I've not done any exploring yet ... Also, it looks like How to Love a Child is going to be published in English this December. I'll definitely be watching for it!

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