Why, Yes, I Am; Thanks for Noticing!
December 17, 2006
9:27 a.m., MT

Rather surprisingly, given the current content, I've received several emails recently from folks commenting that I seem happier lately. I don't know how y'all saw that, but you're right: I am happier. There are two main reasons for this result, which I'll expound on in the parlor so those of you uncomfortable with emotional Snake gushings won't have to see it.

First things first, though: yes, I still miss the snolfs enormously. How could I not? But they seem to have adjusted to this shift in their family dynamic fairly well ... Darlin' Daughter went from tear-filled phone conversations with me to No, I don't want to talk to Sunni last night—not said in a petulant or mean way (I could hear her in the background); she just didn't want to speak with me at that time, and that's okay. They'll be coming here sometime next month, which gives us some time to get things prepared for their arrival. Knowing they're over the emotional hump of the separation, and that they're enjoying themselves with the western split of our family, helps me be at peace with the situation. And I am tremendously thankful that their father is someone I can trust to care for our children well in my absence; if I couldn't then peace simply would not be possible.

MAL is the primary reason I'm so happy, of course. It goes way beyond what you pervs are thinking, too. He is simply the best fit in a mate that I've had. That's not to denigrate my previous two mates; both are important contributors to my life and in some ways I still love each of them. But where one was too dependent, and the other too independent, MAL and I have been able to create and maintain an interdependence that works well for each of us.

It's challenging to articulate what I mean, especially without comparing my current situation with previous relationships, and I'm not much interested in such comparisons. MAL doesn't complete me, like that sappy movie says; I am complete in and of myself. What MAL has done, first with his friendship and then with our romantic relationship overlaid on that, is enable me to be a better person.

Let me back up a moment. MAL and I first met under stressful conditions for me. They continued through the early years of our friendship, yet he liked me anyway. I recall in particular a certain hot conclave, where lots of tempers flared and the stress lay on me in multiple layers. MAL (and a few others, most notably a sweet chap from Illinois) always seemed concerned and willing to help; and while I was grateful for that, it wasn't until a few conclaves later that my reptilian brain finally realized that my feelings for him had expanded beyond platonic friendship.

How did he earn that? For starters, he was never pushy with me; throughout our friendship there was never a romantic/sexual subtext, until I brought up the possibility (which might be because it didn't exist, of course). We share several common interests, which we've been able to discuss and disagree on without any rancor. MAL's way of thinking—while as hardcore about freedom as I am—is quite different from mine, and so nearly every discussion aids my thinking and understanding. From the beginning, our interactions were relaxed, and peaceful in a way I can't articulate well, even when we've been dissecting differences. I've never felt any pressure from him to be a certain way, or to change what I'm doing or how I'm doing it, even when he's thought my choices silly or unproductive.

Yes, he tells me when he thinks I'm being silly, or wrong, etc.—not in an unkind way, and not in a way that implies I should therefore change; just in a way that communicates his thoughts or feelings. I feel very comfortable with MAL because I know where I stand with him. While this has been a basis of our relationship from the outset, it's not always been automatic; we have our share of communication challenges but so far we've been able to work through them.

I could go on and on, but I won't ... I will just say that as I came to a deeper understanding of who I am and what's important to me, MAL was there; and through his friendship and deeply perceptive observations, he's helped me become a better and happier person. Our relationship is an optimum blend of togetherness and space for me; being with MAL brings out what I consider to be the better elements of my way of being, and allows me to laugh at myself in ways I hadn't before. Unlike my previous experiences, becoming romantically involved didn't substantially alter our friendship—I suspect that's because we're both old enough to maintain a healthy perspective on what's really important in sustaining a healthy relationship. Over the nearly 8 years of our friendship, MAL has been a consistent and genuine individual; and as he's given me deeper glimpses into himself, I've found more to value. I don't know that this kind of love is possible between younger people, who're often caught up in the delights of hormonal passions, and who're often still trying to figure out exactly who they are; but to the degree that it is, the best advice I can give for identifying it is asking oneself if one's beloved excites the brain as much as the nethers.

The second thing that's boosted my happiness and satisfaction is that I'm in the kitchen a lot. I've known for years that I love to cook, but for many of them I've not really been able to play around as much as I'd like. Young children, busy schedules, and other priorities—and, admittedly, some laziness on my part—got me in a rut of familiar fare. Now, I'm not only developing a product line for my candy business, but I'm able to explore a broader variety of lots of foods. We're eating more vegetarian meals, which means exploring a lot of Indian cuisine, plus the joys of polenta and risotto and the amazing variety to be found in beans and lentils. Not every dish is a success, to be sure; but we're both enjoying the culinary journey.

I guess in retrospect it's no surprise that my happiness has seeped into this place. I'm with the adult I love best; and I've the freedom to do the things I love best. In such a circumstance, who could keep his or her happiness hidden?

Sunni

Comments: 3 people have contributed to the conversation

On Sunday, December 17th, at approximately 10:19 a.m. Mountain time, Kathryn said:

Congratulations Sunni, isn't it wonderful to finally find the right fit? My husband (the Wizard) and I started off as good friends... there was never any of that weird push/pull of trying to make the relationship "work", it just felt right. We share some common interests, support each other's interests that we don't share, and just enjoy being in the same room with each other, whether we're interacting or not. I think we're better people because we're together... he brings out traits in myself that I like, and knows how to handle me when I'm in screaming bitch mode. The first time he saw me have a melt-down I was convinced that I'd never hear from him again, but he just calmly listened, offered comfort and advice, and actually called me the next day. I'm still stunned.

The simple fact that a person like him exists on this planet makes me happy. But I don't think that we'd be together if we'd met when we were younger... we both had things to learn from our past experiences and relationships before we were ready for each other.

On Sunday, December 17th, at approximately 12:51 p.m. Mountain time, Sunni said:

Wow ... I'm amazed someone else groks, much less has had such similar experiences. I thought I'd done a spectacularly poor job of communicating what I wanted to, which is why the grokking was a surprise.

Yes, it's great to find the right fit; and you're right about past experiences being good teachers.

On Sunday, December 17th, at approximately 2:17 p.m. Mountain time, Kathryn said:

Not at all... you communicated it well.

Personally, I'm amazed when I hear stories about people who find their soulmates when they're young and stay together for life. I hadn't a clue who I was or what I wanted when I married the first time, and in the five years he and I were together we grew in completely different directions. But.. I sat down one day and traced the path my life has taken, and there's no possible way I would have met the Wizard if I hadn't married Spouse the First, well, first. Or married Spouse the Second, for that matter. Both of those men took me places I NEVER would have gone otherwise, where I met people who talked me into trying things I never would have tried. Those new experiences led me where I am now, which is exactly where I need to be.

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