Children and Freedom ... and Love
February 8, 2007
7:58 a.m., MT

One generally assumes that it’s a pro-freedom parent’s responsibility to teach his or her child to about freedom and responsibility. In her most recent essay, Let Freedom Ring, Retta Fontana acknowledges that, but also turns it around. A couple of paragraphs that hit home for me [all bolded emphasis mine]:

Parenting is the greatest challenge facing humanity today because it requires us to meet reality every raw moment. .... By the time they have children, most people have been seduced by the visible world hook, line and sinker. Many parents today identify with their position or their possessions. They don’t get the message their children work so very hard to communicate by acting out: to get honest. Honesty is the only way to be free. Each time we fail to meet the challenges our children present us, we demonstrate erroneously the significance of power and money to important men and women and the insignificance of real men and women.

Each time we enroll them in daycare for ten to twelve hours a day beginning at age six weeks, we show children that money is important and people are not. Each time we vote to turn the guns of government against our neighbors in hopes of achieving a social goal, or wage war on some “other” country for whatever reason du jour, we show our children that power is important and people are not. After a lifetime of such conditioning, is it such a stretch that boys wish only to be pimps and girls their “ho’s?” With handouts, subsidies, vote pandering and war mongering, are we much more than a nation of pimps and ho’s? Can we realistically expect this generation to do as we say and not as we do? ....

Today my husband and I assume complete responsibility for our happiness and offer our own children the love and respect that we had craved as children. I’m not bragging. I’ve hurt my children lots of times and managed to lay a lot emotional baggage on them that wasn’t theirs to bear. Cleaning up those messes was terribly humbling. The pain of it keeps me honest so that I don’t have to keep putting us both through it again and again. I also don’t mean to imply that my mistakes are expunged. Sometimes I still feel very bad about myself and wonder if that will ever change. I say these things to reassure other parents out there who wonder whether or not it’s possible to be completely honest and responsible and if there are other people out there working at it too.

My husband and I have come a long way and I humbly say that have made remarkable progress for two people who were not properly nurtured as children. We have our own children to thank for it. They challenged us at every turn. I think we also have our parents to thank--if our lives weren’t as unhappy as they were, we might not have been motivated enough to attempt remarkable change and come to know true happiness.

If we simply go through the motions of living by acting out conditioned responses from the past, there is no limit to the suffering that is possible and probable. We must never forget that our children are here specifically to challenge our conditioning, to set us free. Even though this is an extremely painful process, it is of the utmost benefit. To live crisply in the present moment, rather than reliving the past conditioning over and over is the challenge, love and freedom its reward. Let freedom ring.

I know it’s one of the classic Freudian jokes, to blame one’s adult problems and failings on how one was raised, but all the same, there’s a kernel of truth to it. We learn so much—and much of it implicitly—and so deeply in our childhood environments that some things can be extremely difficult to shed as adults. Even when we’re aware of the conditioning, it can be difficult to get completely free of it. I’ve seen it at work in my own life time and again: expecting my marriage to be like my parents’ was, and nearly choking it trying to get it there; slipping into responses with my children that I observed from my mother, but hated because it seemed she was hiding stuff from me; and so on.

So many people scornfully laugh at the sentiment expressed in that Beatles song Love is All You Need, but I have been increasingly wondering of late if the Beatles weren’t more right than most people are willing to grant. Sure, it’s easy to scoff at the idea of plain and simple love turning a hardened, real criminal around; but by that time the damage has already been done, and so deeply that it might not be completely reversible. Is there anyone over the age of 12 who hasn’t experienced the heartbreaking sight of an abused animal being offered some kindness, yet it can’t get over that past conditioning and accept the love? Why should we think humans are different?

I grew up thinking my parents didn’t love me (nor any of their children). And I was mostly withdrawn, yet desperately seeking deep affection from teachers and playmates at school (which brought its own pain). When I first experienced genuine, freely expressed love, I blossomed. And still, to this day, when I receive genuine positive regard from someone, I blossom—not as fully, perhaps, as that first time, but it’s still every bit as welcome, and every bit as important. I later learned that my parents did love me, but for whatever reasons, were unable to express it when it was most needed. My guess about my mother is that, growing up in a stoic Scandinavian family, she didn’t receive any expressions of love from her parents, and thus continued the conditioning she got; I also think she was afraid to express love—it opened up a vulnerability. Fortunately for me, I was smart enough as a kid to realize that the lack of affection (or pretty much any positive emotion, for that matter) in my family was not entirely my fault; and I got enough positive response from others outside the family (teachers, mostly; is it any wonder I liked my indoctrination camp so much?) to hold on.

There are probably some irredeemable individuals out there. And all my chatter about the role of parents should not in any way be read as excusing whatever aggressive acts they might commit. It remains my firm contention that, while love may not be “all you need”, for many people it will go a good, long way toward improving their lives. The question remains, can individuals break through the conditioning that far too often keeps their love locked in little bottles? Many of us seem to be willing only to share with a select few, and under stringent conditions ... which means it gets precious few opportunities to work its magic.

And, as Fontana rightly reminds her readers, healthy relationships are not one-way, hierarchical structures; they involve an active give and take between individuals. Just as lovers intertwine and influence each other, so too do friends, parents and children, bosses and workers, teachers and pupils, etc. While “love” may not seem an appropriate emotion in some of those examples, genuine positive regard is a cornerstone of any mutually satisfying relationship. It alone can free an individual of a lot of unhealthy conditioning.

It would seem I’ve some catching up to do, as this is the first of Retta Fontana’s essays that I’ve thoroughly read.

Sunni

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