The Discordian Way to Not Make Mayonnaise

Hey H.C., got a link for Jamie Oliver? I’m not familiar with him ... although maybe I don’t want to be, if the timing for his recipes are always off.

I haven’t tried to make risotto yet ... but I did attempt, and succeed at, a different time-consuming rice-based recipe over the weekend. If I can learn the Gimp moderately well over the next day or two, I’ll probably post it.

Jamie Oliver, AKA the Naked Chef, has a site here. I've never made any of his recipes, but I liked his penchant for local foods from small shops on his BBC show.

Sunni, your story reminds me of the time I tried to bake muffins. I was missing some ingredients, so I tried to improvise. The results were awful, but not as funny as yours. :-)

That sounds, er, potentially dangerous. Thanks for the link.

Muffins are generally trickier than mayo, at least in terms of ingredients and precise measuring, so that probably accounts for your result. And who else but a small-brained snake would be stupid enough to try making mayo for four hours? Glad you got a laugh out of it, anyway.

Interesting, Kathryn; some swear by food processors while others say it isn’t the best way to get a good textured mayonnaise. I don’t have one, but I definitely am interested in your recipe, and whatever tips/mods you’re willing to divulge. Thanks!

In the interest of being helpful, I just made a batch by hand. I think the food processor gives a better texture, but that may just be because I whisk kinda slow. What makes the food processor so great isn't just that you don't have to whisk... if your pusher has a small hole in the bottom, you just pour in the oil and walk away. In any case... by-hand does work. I didn't think to time the process, but it took no more than 15 minutes all together.

Recipe:

1 whole egg
2 T vinegar (white is fine, I like to use 1/2 white and 1/2 red wine vinegar that I've infused with herbs and spices... I'll be happy to provide the recipe if you like, it's very nice)
1/2 t salt
a "goodly squirt" of spicy brown mustard (I know that's not exactly helpful, but it probably works out to about 1 1/2 teaspoons, give or take)
1 1/4 c. oil (I like canola oil because it's monounsaturated and lighter tasting than olive oil)

Place everything but the oil in a medium-sized, round-bottomed bowl. Place the bowl on a folded damp towel to keep it from moving around. While whisking as vigorously as your sore arm will allow, slowly pour in the oil in a very small stream. Or, add the oil about a teaspoon at a time, whisk thoroughly and repeat.

To make this in a food processor, simply ascertain that your pusher has a hole in it, then put everything but the oil into the bowl, clamp the lid on, place the pusher in the chute, turn on the processor and dump the oil into the pusher. When the oil is finished draining out of the pusher, the mayo is done.

Credit where credit is due: I found the original recipe in Cookmiser.

Hope this helps.

The finished product was a little looser than it would have been had it been made in the processor, but it's firming up nicely in the fridge.

Such dedication to science, doing it by hand ... thanks so much, Kathryn!

The first thing I noticed is that your recipe calls for an entire egg, while the one I was using specifies yolks only. That’s a big difference even before getting out of the gate. I’m interested to see what Tom’s recipe uses, if he can come up with it. And oil ... that’s a subject of much debate too. Canola is rapeseed, I believe; and I don’t have it on hand. I was using peanut oil, because it seemed like the best choice from sesame, olive, coconut, and peanut oils.

And of course I’m interested in your infused red wine vinegar! I’ve never tried to make such a thing, but have long been fascinated by them. (An aunt used to make and give them as gifts, but I suspect they were mostly dust collectors before being tossed. Even I didn’t appreciate what she was giving away ... this was well before flavored vinegars became popular or commercially available.)

I just checked on the mixture in the fridge, and I have to say that this recipe definitely works better with the food processor. It's passable as it is, but not great. Perhaps you could try it in a blender, if you have one. Maybe it would have worked better if I'd added the oil more slowly, or whisked more in between additions. Quien sabe? I'll have to try it again once this batch is used up.

Anyway, as requested:

Spicy Herb Vinegar

1 t. dried dill seed
10 black peppercorns
6 whole allspice
6 whole cloves
1 t. dried sweet basil
1 t. dried marjoram
1 t. dried mint
½ t. dried tarragon
¼ t. crushed red pepper
3 bay leaves, broken
1 quart red wine vinegar

Crush dill seed, peppercorns, allspice, and cloves; mix them together with basil, marjoram, mint, tarragon and red pepper. Place in glass container; then add the bay leaves. Heat vinegar just to simmering; pour over herbs and spices. Let stand at room temperature 10 to 14 days, shaking once each day. Strain or filter. Bottle and cork, or cover tightly. Makes about 1 quart.

Hope you like it. I got this recipe from The Family Creative Workshop series.

You’ve already gone way above and beyond to help me out – no need to do another by-hand batch on my account! I do have a blender that I’ll use for my next attempt. That will be a while off, though ... MAL bought a big jar of mayo. Maybe I scared him a little.

Your spiced red wine vinegar recipe looks wonderful! Bet that makes great salad dressings. Again, thank you for all your help, Kathryn!

I have to try it again by hand, to satisfy my own curiosity.

The vinegar recipe is wonderful; and you're right, it makes great salad dressings. I haven't bought ready-made dressing in months and have no plans to do so, ever. Another thing scratched off my shopping list...

And you're more than welcome... just doing my best to subvert the dominant paradigm.

... that you’re at least as crazy as I am.

I used to make salad dressings much more often than I currently do; that needs to change.

A lot of my friends think I'm nuts, but I'm enjoying the hell out of learning to make all these things myself. After I made my first batch of mustard I ran across a recipe for mustard vinaigrette, and after trying it I swore to myself that I would never purchase commercially-made salad dressing again.

And for mostly the same reasons. I mean, who needs to make her own candies when Snickers and Godiva are within reach, right?

My favorite variation on that particular theme is "Why would you bother spinning when you can buy yarn at Walmart?"

And speaking of candies... [coughcaramelscough]

Those little brown cubes Kraft, Brach’s, et al. peddle aren’t candy ... I’m not entirely sure what they are, but it ain’t something I’m willing to put in my mouth. Last time I had one (years back, if memory serves), it didn’t even taste like caramel.

Too bad we can’t trade mayo for caramels ... ;-)

I'm currently avoiding simple carbohydrates like the plague, but if I remain a "good girl" long enough, I'll want to reward myself somehow. I can either dive head-first into a vat of mashed potatoes (the one I dream about every. Stinking. Night.) Or I can indulge in a small amount of really fine candy.

When the time comes, can I email you a list of things I can make... in the interest of making a trade?

That said, I’m dealing with that myself, although just sweets. I don’t think I would last long without potatoes.

I would greatly enjoy trading with you, so yes, let’s plan on that celebration!

I went to lunch with a friend today, and the restaurant had a big tray of roasted potatoes sitting out on display. All I wanted to do was dump it on the floor, get naked and roll around in it. [sigh] If I didn't know what potatoes would do to my blood sugar, I'd have ordered about three servings.

Planning on the celebration... very much looking forward to it.

... however, mashing cooked cauliflower often works as a low carb substitute for them. Of course, if one doesn't like cauliflower that might not satisfy.

I found it tasty, but it takes a lot of fatty stuff like milk and cheese to make it resemble mashed potatoes. I'd rather just have the cauliflower roasted with tomatoes and green olives (recipe available on request).

Have you tried the spicy herb vinegar yet?

but that's probably fattier than milk. I haven't tried the herb vinegar yet, but I will. Cauliflower, tomatoes and olives sounds good too.

Scratch chili tonight... well, I'm using up some canned beans, but otherwise scratch.

Consider the recipe requested! :)

Your Herb Vinegar sounds really good. I may try making some of that this week.

Here's the original recipe for only the mayo.

That original recipe makes a fairly spicy mayo. However, if you want a "more regular" spread you might try what I usually do: drop the Tabasco, pepper flakes and use a bit milder mustard. I also use cider vinegar instead of lemon juice, but either works okay.

I also usually triple the batch and get a little less than a quart. The recipe calls for using a processor or blender. I use a blender and like Kathryn let it go after slowly pouring in the olive oil through the uncapped hole in the cover.

When I saw Emeril make this on TV a few years ago, he used his "boatmotor" blender. I have one of those too, but a regular blender makes it even easier. The mayo recipe comes along with a shrimp dish at his website.

Sometimes I add a "miracle whip" syrup in addition made with more vinegar and sweetener plus a thickener. I use guar gum to thicken and stevia to sweeten, but sugar might work for both functions.

Both versions sound good, Tom. Thanks! One of the reasons I tried making my own mayo was to get away from sugar and preservatives in the stuff.

I don't know about the Snolfs and spicy food, but many kids don't like items like that.

I think Julie likes the milder form with the "miracle whip" tang added most, but I haven't made any for a few weeks.

Blenders (and food processors) really make many things very easy. Even though I favor organic and "cave man food," I don't have too much trouble with electricity. I just wish we all had our own generators, and I think there might be a strong market direction developing for that.

(Bob Seger: Against the Wind on RTN. Oh yeah! like that too!!!)

You mean I shouldn’t try to make bourbon-based mayonnaise?

You know, I didn't even consider...

*Jac switches to a Google tab*

Interesting. Apparently, there's a brewpub joint in Philly that serves their pomme frites with an "highly addictive" bourbon mayonnaise. I don't know how you'd go about making that, but it might just be worth a shot.

Clicky. Not exactly bourbon *based*, but hey... :)

I was totally kidding when I typed that ... didn’t even occur to me to go looking for recipes. Shoulda known better, though, given the popularity of Jack Daniels mustard and similar concoctions.

Too bad your link has the measures missing for two important ingredients ... and champagne vinegar? Doubt I’ll find any of that stuff out here in the boonies.

Let me cut my teeth on basic mayo, then I’ll get to work on my own bourbon recipe, mmkay?

Well, thanks, Michael, but I think it was stupidity, rather than fortitude. I appreciate the recipe too, and will give it a try.

Would you care to elaborate on the distinctions between cooking and salad oils? I’ve never encountered such a thing before.

Traditionally it is a matter of some oils being "heavier" or "lighter" and having a higher smoke point. Wherever I've worked peanut oil has usually been reserved for cooking, (it's well suited to Chinese cuisine). Oil viscosities vary, even among the same types of oil (olive being a prime example) and you definitely want the lighter oils for mayo, salads, etc. The easiest way to figure out the differences is straight up taste testing. A light oil, like olive will have a lighter mouth feel and the heavy ones will have a noticeably heavier feel. Some places might make little or no distinction between oils, but I've always made it a habit to use the lighter oils for dressings and as an ingredient. While I wouldn't try to quote the science for this, it's just the way most of us were taught in the kitchens.

One question about your peanut oil. Was it refined or unrefined? I pulled out my copy of "Cookwise" and, 'lo and behold Shirley Corriher had an answer. This apparently happens with unrefined oils and unfiltered "natural" oils. It might also have been the addition point for the lemon juice. It should have been at the halfway point, not the end. The moisture ratio for a good emulsion was off. That lemon juice is not just for flavour, it's a vital moisture component, too.

The label doesn’t say – it simply says pure peanut oil. Until I tried the mayo experiment, I had only used it for cooking, because as you say it’s very good in high heat applications. I guess I’ll go with canola next time; I want a “pure” mayo taste for my first batch, rather than olive oil or something else adding its flavor notes. Unless you’d recommend something else ... ? I’m suspicious of those vague “salad oils”; I want to know what kind(s) of oil I’m eating.

The last batch of mayo I attempted, I mixed some lemon juice with the egg yolk first, and then starting to add the oil. It made all the difference in keeping the emulsion stable. And I’ve been wanting Corriher’s book for some time—she is amazing when it comes to food science.

I can't recommend canola enough, it's the Swiss Army knife of oils and gets along well with everyone. Corriher does, (for me) what no instructor ever did, she explains why you do things the way you do. Most culinary instructors rely on "because we've always done it this way and it works best". Why dry mustard and cayenne in mayo? Because it coats oil droplets and keeps them apart. Why lemon juice? It gets between the droplets and provides the moisture to bind things together. Wow...

Thanks for the recommendation on canola oil. Wouldn’t it be fun to have one’s own food science lab?

That sounds wonderful—thank you so much for sharing it with us, Kathryn. Hope you had a good time.

You're welcome, and I had a most excellent time, thank you very much. Took a class on jewelry making, and I finally (FINALLY) know how to solder. And bezel-set stones, and string pearls, and all kindsa stuff. GREAT week.

Sounds like a lot of fun. I miss doing stained glass. (I didn’t bring my material and equipment with me, because there really isn’t a good place to set up a spot to work here.)