Is this something that’s part of the parental territory? Or part of the “wisdom” that’s supposed to come with aging? Or am I just losing my mind?
I never used to second-guess my decisions like I’ve been lately. Even major decisions, like car and house purchases and leaving my ex-husband, I handled confidently. But now all I seem to do is wonder if I’ve done the right things. (That does not include having my children. They are such a source of wonder, learning, and joy for me that I have never had second thoughts or regrets about their existence.)
But it is accurate to say that much of my current challenges stem from their existence ... but not just for their sakes; it is definitely for mine as well. I used to think that if I were happier, I’d be a better mother to them, and hence they’d be happier ... and so I returned to MAL last year, separating the snolfs’ family and starting us all on this odyssey. And, though I was happier in many ways to be with him again, in some ways I wasn’t whole again until the snolfs rejoined me. I thought the separation would be easier this time, having been through previous ones ... but if anything, it’s been harder. Seeing them, both happy at their father’s arrival and sad to be leaving me, haunts me still ...
Should Lobo and I have split when we discovered that we were no longer romantically in love with each other? We are more fortunate than most partners, in that we have maintained a good friendship and working relationship despite that shift ... we could have done much better than many parents who stay together “for the children”.
Should I have come back here? The move has not had the results I thought it might ... and I honestly don’t know how many more of these goodbyes I can endure – nor ask my children to endure. I don’t have any illusions of ever being able to create a perfect nuclear-type family for my children, nor do I want such a thing. But I don’t think it’s unrealistic to want a better, more stable arrangement than what we currently have. Problem is, I am not seeing a way to create something better, so I am probably focusing too much on looking at what’s past, and being too self-critical.
One thing does seem fairly clear in all my muddle ... I have followed others’ paths, and relied on them more than is good for me. But I’m so paralyzed by my doubts right now that I can’t even say what my own path might be, other than wanting to do what’s best for the snolfs and me.
Almost More of the Same
Hugs from here as well
Sometimes there are no optimal solutions. This may be one of them. The great advantage that you have over 99% (probably more) of parents is that you are honest and open with your children. Children are resilient. If you remain honest and open with them they will adapt. Try to enjoy the time with them without thinking about the time you will be apart. Try to use the time when you are apart to be more productive in areas that they interfere with. Try to balance the pain of parting with the joy of reuniting and rediscovery.
Often we must take the good with the bad and make the best of the situation. I realize this does not make it any easier.
Hugs
I hope this helps, if not, at least I tried;
I offer a set of words written by a man trying to describe something perhaps beyond description:
"Auravoles, they says, never heed of your name! But I'm loothing them that's here and all I lothe. Loonely in me loneness. For all their faults. I am passing out. Obitter ending! I'll slip away before they're up. They'll never see. Nor know. Nor miss me. And it's old and old it's sad and old it's sad and weary I go back to you, my cold father, my cold mad father, my cold mad feary father, till the near sight of the mere size of him, the moyles and moyles of it, moananoaning, makes me seasilt saltsick and I rush, my only, into your arms. I see them rising! Save me from those therrble prongs! Two more. Onetwo moremens more. So. Avelaval. My leaves have drifted from me. All. But one clings still. I'll bear it on me. To remind me of. Lff! So soft this morning, ours. Yes. Carry me along, taddy, like you done through the toy fair! If I seen him bearing down on me now under whitespread wings like he'd come from Arkangels, I sink I'd die down over his feet, humbly dumbly, only to washup. Yes, tid. There's where. First. We pass through grass behush the bush to. Whish! A gull. Gulls. Far calls. Coming, far! End here. Us then. Finn, again! Take. Bussoftlhee, mememormee! Till thousendsthee. Lps. The keys to. Given! A way a lone a last a loved a long the riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs." -- Finnegans Wake (Books IV&I pp. 627-3)
If I should understand this passage rightly, it describes a range of feelings at least somewhat similar to yours. I hope it helps, incomprehensible English for all of it. I wish you well madam.
Swimming against the current
I spend a lot of my time swimming against the current...
Strong, determined people have a weakness, they often don't realize sometimes you have to just float with the current to keep from fatiguing and going under.
Perhaps, you should just float and let the river take you downstream for awhile. Don't try to figure it all out, it is what it is.
You'll recover your strength and gain perspective.
Thanks, all.
For the supportive and helpful contributions both here and on my prior whine. My primary goal was catharsis, and the posts accomplished that (I hope y’all don’t see me as some sort of drama queen now!). Your insights were an added benefit, and I am deeply appreciative.
:hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug:
-SRS