Originally, the bit about change in the quote I posted yesterday caught my attention ... but later, thinking about it more, the “love the people who treat you right” phrase started tickling my brain. And it still hasn’t stopped.
I have been very fortunate in my life, in that I have shared a lot of love with many individuals special to me. Only a small part of that is sensual and/or sexual love, yet sometimes concerns arising from those aspects override the fundamental positive feelings that led to love blossoming in the first place. But, irrespective of the complications of eros, probably in all the loving relationships I’ve had, there have been times that I have not “treated the other right”—or vice versa. Doubtless I am much less aware of the times I’ve chafed, rather than the ones where I’ve felt chafed. Despite not liking any of it, I would be exceedingly naïve to think that it will ever be eliminated. We’re all individuals, after all, with unique histories and contexts and experiences and preferences.
One of the most frustrating paradoxes of love is that as one gets closer to another, the potential for being treated “wrong” grows. [Allow me a diversion to explain why I put “wrong” in quotes there, please. It encompasses more than deliberate or negligent harm ... it includes anything that is “not right”. Which is not to say that any individual’s whims should be totally, blindly acquiesced to; to me “not right” can include a lack of basic human civility or courtesy, such as respecting property rights. Or simple thoughtlessness. To take a trivial example, if one person in a household has a strong preference for a certain style of toothpaste cap and that’s been communicated to the other, if the other genuinely cares about the finicky person and has no strong feelings about toothpaste caps, what does it hurt the nonfinicky person to accommodate the finicky one’s preference? Indeed, could not that small indulgence become a powerful way of expressing love?] And, as if being treated wrong isn’t enough, as we get to know another more deeply, we tend to believe that we grok that individual—that we know why they do what they do. But the trouble is, oftentimes we attribute motives, influences, and explanations to another’s behavior that simply weren’t in play. And we commonly place ourselves at the center of their life, seeing their actions through the unremovable filter called “how-this-impacts-me”, when the simple truth is that sometimes, even for one’s best beloved, our own thoughts or feelings or needs are simply not relevant.
It is a truth that ought to be universally recognized that one person will never meet another’s needs (or desires) completely. As free individuals, shouldn’t we therefore be free to try to meet those needs ourselves, or interact with others who can help us accomplish that? If the “need” is something like an exercise partner, the question seems straightforward; but if the need under consideration is more substantive—concerning emotional or physical intimacy—for many individuals the problem instantly becomes much thornier. Speaking as someone who has participated in traditional as well as open, polyamorous relationships, having and exercising such freedom is better than not, but that doesn’t mean that it always happens easily, and without someone feeling like they were treated wrongly.
Perhaps if we lived in a society where love was cherished and respected instead of feared, so that it could be openly and freely shared among individuals without worries about misunderstandings, without expectations arising (especially between potential sexual partners), without any sort of psychologically unhealthy cruft, then maybe seeing one’s sweetie enjoying a deep friendship or sexual encounter with someone else might not be such a threatening thing. [I can’t help but cringe every time I recall my response to a man who approached me after my Freedom Summit talk a few years back ... He very earnestly took my hand in his, looked me square in the eye, and without any hint of flirtation, romance, or anything of that nature, simply said, “I love you.” I saw what was there and what wasn’t, yet such was my insecurity at hearing those words in such a context that I got quite flustered, and probably stammered out some lame response.] Or perhaps, in romantic/sexual relationships at least, contracts should be relied upon more. And I don’t mean marriage as currently practiced; I mean explicit contracts that spell out the terms of the relationship, the duration of the contract, penalties for breaking it, and terms for renewal or renegotiation once the time frame is up. ’Course, one can’t anticipate every possible future event, so even an innocuous-seeming promise might lead to problems down the line.
I used to intensely dislike that Crosby, Stills, and Nash song, Love the One You’re With, for these lines:
“If you can’t be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you’re with”
They, along with some other lines in the song, led me to focus exclusively on the sexual interpretation. As someone who has never been casual about sex, that interpretation simply didn’t—and still does not—resonate with me. Nor would I advocate ending a loving relationship, of any sort, at the first hint of not being treated right. But, as is the case with so much of our lives, most of us tend to live them not at the extremes of experience; we’re in the much murkier thicket that makes trying to cut and maintain a path between freedom and commitment much more challenging.
Early A.M. Rambles On The Subject
And that is exactly what I've been thinking for a number of years now. And not, as some might project, for the "sexual benefit" of that - but because I know jealousy is such a crazy emotion at times - and it amazes me observing how some even give that emotion any traction - simply by watching a lover smile at someone else and enjoy another's company for even the briefest of moments.
I used to hold the opinion that this was about "control," but now I hold that it is partly out of control, but also partly out of fear that some have and allow themselves these moments of jealousy - the fear that the other may "love someone more (which in of itself, is an admission that one can love more than one person.
I don't buy into the "different kinds of love" that psychologists and mystics often try to suggest; instead, love is love. It simply manifests itself differently at different times. Sometimes, sex is one way to manifest love - but not always. Indeed, sex is likely more a manifestation of "attraction" or something different than love - but when there is also love present during sex, perhaps it "feels" even "better" (yes, using these subjective words to try to communicate what I see as objective ideas - it's 6:30AM and I just woke up!).
I've known fathers to become jealous of their partner's attention to their children - so it's not merely a sexual thing or something that only involves adult "lovers." Heck, I've personally known some to be jealous of my passion for fly fishing, and expressing the insane worry that somehow fly fishing was more important to me than they were - merely because I chose to go fly fishing instead of attending some event with the other that I had absolutely no interest in attending.
And I realize this can work both ways, too - but if the relationship is such where there is no or little "value" to one or the other, then perhaps it is time to be objective about the relationship, appreciate the reasons for exploring and growing the relationship in the first place, appreciate what you've received from it, and then get on with it instead of spending so much time "working on it." Not to say that there aren't times when folk can get a little "miffed" with each other - but if it's at the point where there is no value being received, or like any other transaction, you're not happy and can't seem to negotiate more in return for one's own perceived value that they are "giving," then perhaps it's time to be grown ups about it.
And I don't see why this should not work with any number of adults - regardless of the relationship. I do it all the time - I'm an adult with over 2,000 relationships - all of which either give me something, or have given me something, in return I would hope for something the other valued about me.
Whether it is my children, my business associates or my fly fishing team members.
Loyalty is another idea that is also worth considering too - but even that has a price, and if you're willing to pay that price, then that is your price, and what is there to have any complaints about?
I have "loyalty" to one local corner store over another local corner store. My sense of loyalty is subjective to me, but it is what _I_ value and I don't expect anyone else to share my same value. My loyalty is such that I'm willing to walk 100 feet further, and even pay 10% more on the average purchase than visiting the other local store.
Sometimes, relationships can have that too - but what gets me, is that when some claim some sense of "loyalty" to another, and then the next moment, are complaining and making demands on the other due to their loyalty. That doesn't sound like loyalty to me - that sounds like negotiation.
My own subjectivity and objectivity doesn't provide for me to be able to understand why, if someone pisses you off so much, and one thinks they deserve more than what they are getting, why bother yelling, screaming, arguing with no end in sight to the negotiations?
Student Of All, Disciple Of None
http://ianism.com