Being and Becoming

Lobo was the person who introduced me to the concept of a “way of being”. I immediately liked it; it sounds much more active than “personality”, which I think of as essentially the same thing as one’s way of being. Many people—myself included from time to time still—have a tendency to see one’s personality as somehow immutable under all but extreme conditions. And while it is accurate to describe many specific elements of personality as being genetically determined, it is crucially important to understand that “genetically determined” does not mean “constant” or even “highly predictable”.

That may sound odd, but think about it: there isn’t a one-to-one correspondence between a specific gene and a specific behavior. For example, knowing that someone is shy lets us guess (at best) that, in a given situation, a subset of a range of possible behaviors is most likely going to be chosen from. And since we don’t yet have the ability to decipher our complete genome (much less know which genes are active at a given time), we really don’t know if we have “the genes” for aggression or compassion or whatever. Thus, one’s way of being is much more malleable than most of us realize—or maybe are willing to admit.

To me, a way of being implies not only malleability but also the role choice plays in how one lives. I think many people grok that one can choose to respond to bad news with quiet dignity or an emotional outburst, for example. But it also seems clear to me that we can choose over a wider time frame as well—choosing to shift a pattern of thinking, feeling, or behaving that we are unhappy with to one that is more congruent with our way of being.

It occurred to me last night, as I was reflecting on the enormous changes I have witnessed in my children’s lives thus far, that I have been thinking of “being” as a fairly static thing. And that is just plain silly ... but I have acted for much of my life as if once I attain some acceptable way of being, I will be “fixed” and that will be that. I mean, that’s the irony behind a grownup saying something about “When I grow up ...”, right? Even though I’ve relied on that old joke many a time myself, last night it really hit me: each of us is always becoming something different. The snolfs are growing, maturing ... I’m getting more silvery and slow. Sometimes the changes come suddenly, and possibly jarringly; other times they creep so slowly that we aren’t cognizant of a change until it’s well underway. Life is change; living is changing.

So I have reframed much of my thinking yet again. Instead of looking at my self and saying, “This is how I am”, I find myself wondering, “What am I becoming?” Since I had been becoming a fat, grouchy old snake the past two weeks, I’ve decided to slither in a new direction. I am now becoming a caring, healthier snake. It may seem overly nebulous, not having a specific goal or endpoint in mind, but truth be told, for me such specific goals more often created stress and fear than motivation or excitement; if I stumbled it was much easier for my Inner Critic to deride my efforts (usually leading to me abandoning them), rather than to see the stumble as a temporary challenge that I could overcome with just a small change or two. Becoming, rather than being, allows a lot of fluidity, and makes unproductive negativism harder to stick.

This applies just as well to achieving greater freedom. For me it has never been about agreeing upon, and then trying to reach some specific anarchtopia; societies and cultures too are fluid, dynamic things. Becoming freer means adjusting for and routing around the damage and obstacles the state tries to place in our way ... it also means becoming and remaining aware of the freedoms that are most important to you, and being as sure as you can that you’re making progress toward the personal freedom you cherish.

I felt more at peace this morning than I have in some time. I lay in bed, watching the sun tinge the sky orange, then pink, thinking about what I wanted to become today ... understanding that I am going to be changing, so I might as well make sure it’s happening in ways I want, as much as I am able ... and knowing that if I didn’t like what I was becoming today, I can work on becoming something different tomorrow.