New Year’s Musings, Such as They Are

Regular readers know I don’t ordinarily put much emphasis on the turn of the calendar to a new year ... it’s just an artificial construct for marking time, after all. Also, many individuals seem to only become introspective at this time of year, and all too often make resolutions that seem to flounder almost as soon as they’re given voice. I don’t like the thought of joining that pattern. (Don’t get me wrong—I do my share of floundering too; I just try to disperse it over the entire year.)

My children are now old enough to stay up for welcoming the new year, and thus they generate a fair amount of excitement for it—of course, it doesn’t hurt that that’s also when we usually exchange gifts. Thinking about our upcoming party here in a couple of weeks has also gotten me thinking about resolutions and related stuff more than usual. But I am still having trouble clarifying all the swirling thoughts, hopes, and ideas in my mind.

Friends aren’t helping with that, either. My very dear friend B.W. wishes us a year of purpose. I certainly can do with more clarity of purpose ... yet I’m leaning more toward creating and sustaining eudaimonia in my life. I want pleasure, happiness, contentedness in my days—which is a purpose, to be sure, but it isn’t the kind of purpose that many Americans view as valid. And I do still have trouble with that; I think I “should” have loftier goals in mind. (Truth is, I do; but some part of me has trouble with those being lower in importance.)

Another cherished friend articulated a different matrix of difficulty for me: I’m kind of scared to put this into writing. I do have specific goals in mind for this year, some of which are solely for me and some of which involve others ... but given my past dismal record on keeping my word, I don’t want to dig myself a deeper hole. Also, some of the thoughts and feelings driving my current brainscape are simply too personal to spill here (especially since I haven’t been able to share them with others involved yet).

I learned and grew a lot in 2007—sometimes in pleasant ways, sometimes via less-happy means—yet I feel a lingering sense of incompletion in much of it. I have let go of many old and haunting hurts, yet recent ones seem less tractable for reasons that baffle me. I have clarified a couple of important tangible goals, yet am unsettled as to how to bring them into being. I have a stronger sense of the person I want to become, yet I worry that if I do achieve that I will damage some very special relationships. And of course, I observe that I—the staunch individualist—have such a concern with irony and some degree of derision.

Last year—2007—was the year that would have marked my silver wedding anniversary had I remained married. Curiously, while sorting through some old papers I found a letter from a family member, written in response to my announcement that I had left the doctor and was pursuing a dissolution of marriage. My correspondent informed me, in tones of absolute certainty, of the dire things waiting for me in the world should I choose to pursue my “reckless and selfish course”. It would be pain, she said; I would be chewed up and spat out; no good could come of breaking the relationship. I didn’t believe her for a second then; and now, looking back on the post-marriage years thus far, I understand that the pain I did experience was just a differing sort than the pain I’d have experienced if I had remained married. Pain is part of living; our response to it determines whether we will learn and grow from it, or shrivel and become hard. And for me, the pain has been very small compared to all the good things that could only have happened if I stepped out of that relationship—my beloved snolfs being the most tangible and important Good Things.

I know not what pain might be ahead for me, nor what pleasure ... but one thing I understand is that I can choose how they both shape me, to some degree. Rather than concern myself with it so much at the meta level, I am going to try to let go of that judging and ever-critical perspective, and immerse myself more in what’s happening. Regarding freedom, I hope to contribute more to the growing counter-economy in The Family; I have hinted at doing this for some time but will take a large step toward it very soon, likely on the weekend. I see this as a crucial area for advancing liberty; and I am tired of limiting myself out of concern over discovery by the state. I am focusing more on living the life I want.

Last, many of you have been wonderful people to me, helping me in more ways than I could count. I usually don’t like to single individuals out because of the potential for hurt feelings, but right now it is important to me to do some singling out. Mama Liberty, Shaun Saunders, Presto, and The Shadow have been both tangibly helpful and enormously inspiring individuals for me. James K. has deepened my understanding of what freedom really is; and through his zenlike grace he has also sharpened my appreciation of the distinction between tolerance and acceptance. MAL and Ian served up a lot of food for exploration. Lobo continues to teach me lessons in giving and friendship; his older sons taught me much about forgiveness. Lewlew balances on the tightrope of pro-freedom mamahood along with me; despite our situations being somewhat different, her willingness to share deeply and her keen insight have aided me many a time. Kirsten’s and Chris Sciabarra’s spunk have been inspiring. And Warren’s music has brought me many smiles, including on some days when I thought a smile just wasn’t possible. Thank you all so much.

And here’s to the future! [clink!]