Forgiveness

A topic that comes up often in the counseling I do is forgiveness. That was a serious part of my hospice work as well, and I've learned much about it over the years - both in my work and in my personal life.

We all have a complex mixture of experiences, old hurts and misunderstandings, resentments and fears. Most of us have at least some serious trauma - physical and/or emotional - from our past, and most fear such trauma from future events as well.

Strange as it may seem, most of us don't have conscious memories of a lot of that trauma and fear. It's not comfortable, and it interferes with our daily life, so it's most apt to be suppressed and put out of our minds as much as possible. But it remains there, and it can do us serious damage over time.

Most of us can think of at least one incident or situation where we need to forgive ourselves as well.

So, how does that work?

One of the questions I've had the most often centers on the mistaken idea that we must somehow condone the action, forget or at least act as if it never happened. Since this is rarely possible, a person who thinks this way will find it almost impossible to forgive. Let's examine this idea.

It seems rather obvious that the past can't be altered. The thing is done and nothing will change that. Pandora won't go back in the box. We can make restitution sometimes, either with sincere apology or some material thing or action, but the actual damage can hardly ever be undone. Everyone involved has to live with that fact, and real forgiveness goes on from that point.

People also do not give equal weight to events or feelings. A nasty comment might be immaterial to you and slip easily from memory, but for someone else that same remark could become deeply damaging and involve a great deal of pain and anger - and everything in between. This might not matter with strangers or casual acquaintances but it can mean disaster within a family or serious business relationship if not dealt with.

Since the action can't be undone, and the hurt can't be erased in most cases, we must consider the effects of the problem rather than just the context. The real damage is done by the anger, fear, hate, guilt, pain, and resentment the actions evoke. These are all negative emotions that generate a great deal of negative energy. And it is the negative energy, left to seethe while they occupy our minds and bodies, that we can actually do something positive about.

Unfortunately, far too often we cling to these negative emotions as if they could somehow punish the offender! This can be deadly if we - even if quite unconsciously - determine to hug this poison to our breast to punish them or ourselves!! And punishment of ourselves is what we obtain by it, in spades, but no resolution of the problem and no return to peace or joy. And then, the fact that we are punished and unhappy does little to punish someone else who hurt us unless we use our situation to project constant blame, guilt and rejection on them - if we even have that opportunity. What a tragedy - and a waste of our lives as well.

So, how does forgiveness work then? If it can't fix the hurt, and can't change what happened, why does it seem so important to us? Do we need to forgive, even if the other person doesn't apologize or provide restitution?

Forgiveness is the willingness and the intention to allow that negative energy to leave our bodies. It is the willingness to give up the guilt, anger, revenge, hate and other negative emotions. The memory of the situation may well remain a lifetime, but the pain and destruction of all that negative energy can be released and eliminated.

Negative energy that is not released is stored in our tissues as well as in our minds and becomes our disease. Stress is retained negative energy and is increasingly becoming recognized as the reason for so many of our medical problems in this modern age of unrelieved stress.

I teach stress management through energy therapy. If you'd like to discuss any of this further, please feel free to contact me at any time. email: myeft_coach -at- yahoo.com