I knew, just from reading the title, that I would be sputtering with indignation if I clicked through to read Is a taste of deceit with carrots so bad for kids?. I clicked. Consider yourselves warned.
I must be totally out of step with other parents, because I cannot even conceive of asking such a question, much less giving it serious consideration. While the article focuses on sneaking healthful foods into children—something I’ve never really had to worry about—the crux of the matter comes up deep in the rationalizing:
But in diet as in all things, I firmly believe in parental privilege. Loopholes exist. I see no problem, for instance, in telling my kids that the DVD player in our family minivan only works on long drives on the freeway.
I don't see anything at all wrong with a friend briefing his son on the federal law that prohibits boys under the age of 13 from owning pocketknives.
And I believe it was an act of inspiration when a mom I know told her daughter that the "Live Nude" sign near her school is in fact a French-language affirmation with a missing accent on the "e" that actually reads "live new day."
So, “parental privilege” for Christopher Noxon—the author of this bilge—apparently means stringing together lie after lie for one’s children. And it isn’t even justified solely on the basis of that overused excuse, protection—notice that his own example is simply for his convenience. Another presumably rests on the mother’s embarrassment at the mere thought of naked bodies; how ever is she going to explain to her daughter the shameful fact that babies come into the world naked?
Can we really wonder how so many of today’s children come to unthinkingly accept the lies of the state, when they’ve had years of such tripe shoved into their heads by their parents? How can someone not develop explanations that depend on “magic” or authority when they’re told things that defy logic, not to mention the laws of physics, by the people they count on most to help them learn how to deal with the world? Actually, I wonder if they even bother to try to develop explanations; after passing some threshold of nonsense of this sort some kids must decide that the world is simply too arbitrary and unpredictable to try to comprehend, and instead uncritically accept whatever they’re told. And thus is another generation of herd monkeys readied to step on to the job–consume treadmill ...
This kind of parenting is emblematic of what I see as the major problem today: too many parents have little or no respect for their children. Instead, they shove their convenient feeding times, their ideas of the proper amount of food, their notions of what’s best in all things, on to a child beginning at birth. But even a neonate can tell when it’s hungry, and full, and will signal those states to its parents if they would just respect the baby, and pay attention to it. Not face time, not play time, but that simple act of focusing upon another person and observing his or her rhythms and preferences. In our rush-rush society, that may seem like a luxury ... but we’re talking about the most basic, vital relationship two individuals can have! How can learning one’s child’s nature be a luxury? But, tragically, it seems to be so for lots of parents.
Perfection isn’t an option in parenting; that isn’t the standard I am comparing these ideas against. But to build a relationship with one’s child on deceit ... that is unfathomable and unconscionable to me. It’s a casual dismissal of the child’s humanity—his or her basic intellect and its need to be rationally engaged, so that the child stands a chance of becoming a self-directing, mature person. Even saying something like, “I don’t think you’re responsible enough for a pocket knife yet,” or “I’m uncomfortable talking about what’s going on in that business,” is better than invoking a nonexistent federal law or faux French. Of course, such responses will almost invariably continue the conversation, rather than stop it; and that seems to be what such parents want—a way to avoid possible conflict or unpleasantness. So, how exactly are these protected children going to learn to deal with the inevitable conflicts and unpleasant situations that will arise in life?
In the physical world, loopholes don’t exist; if one appears to, it’s because some information is missing. In the social world, loopholes exist to the degree that a society’s individuals accept the idea that some individuals “deserve” better or worse than other individuals, and perpetuate interactions based on such ideas. In such societies, those loopholes eventually wind up becoming nooses of some sort or other.
Anyway, just for thoroughness’ sake, I’ll answer the question: Yes, deceit is bad for kids. When served to them by their parents, it’s poison. Other parents may see no problem in this, since “the dose makes the poison”; but, recalling my own disappointment and subsequent mistrust when I discovered my parents had lied to me, I’m unwilling to risk any titration.
Glad you saw it first
That way you wrote the rant for me. I find it incredible that the author actually wrote "my proudest lie..." Who in their right mind could be proud of lying to a child?
I am going to quibble with one thing:
Specifically the word "today." As you note, you were disappointed when you discovered your parents had lied to you. As was I and I am sure many others. This has been a problem for a long time.
In addition to all the excellent points you make, lying to children is, in the not-so-long run, counter productive. Children are not stupid. You can fool them for a little while, but only a little while. The girl who was told "Live Nude" was French will one day have Internet access (if she doesn't already), she will talk to her friends, she will live life in the real world. This lie, and many others, will be discovered. When it is what will she think of her mother's potentially good advice on many topics, for instance, on sex and drugs? Will she think "she lied to me about all those other things, she is lying about this too?"
The lies about food may actually be the most harmful in the long run. When the child discovers all that junk food on their own, with no preparation, what are they going to do? Are they going to continue eating "green rocket ships" and "magic trees with snow" or are they going to buy KFC and McDonald's?
These lies are just a small part of the misinformation campaign the parents are conducting against their children. Ultimately the children will grow up. Ultimately they will make decisions for themselves. If they come to believe that their parents know nothing and in addition have personally experience to back it up, how will they act? I am willing to bet they will act in ways their parents will not like.
Lying, like coercion, can only work in the very short term. It is not the way to build a lasting relationship.