... is two-fold, it appears.
First, like Captain Malcolm Reynolds, “I got no rudder” that I can discern at present. I feel like I have lived significant portions of my life primarily by others’ goals—others who have been very important to me, to be sure, but not my own goals, not after I earned my PhD. Lobo wanted to try going PT in Mexico, we went, despite deep misgivings on my part ... MAL buys a school bus for converting into a mobile home, I do the same—and am immersed way over my head in all the work necessary to accomplish the goal. Much of my life at present is focused on raising the snolfs, which I consider to be very important and worthwhile, but that means their needs drive my choices to some nontrivial degree.
Second, for all my writing and thinking etc., I do not have sufficient experience in actually living free. Thus, when I am among other freedom-loving individuals, as was the case when I was absent here for a little over a week, my head gets very easily turned by their interests and projects. It’s tempting to accept their invitations to move where they are, become part of the community there; and it’s certainly tempting to follow their inspiring leads. But, having recognized point #1 above, and keeping the snolfs in mind, I at least know better now than to impulsively give in to those temptations.
While that may be considered a sign of maturity, the situation doesn’t exactly make for a contented, happy Snake.
The Trouble With Sunni ...
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Well....
Hmmm, who does?
You make your own decisions, without being coerced. You pay the price and receive the rewards of those decisions.
That is what freedom is. The Lovin' Spoonful song Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind says it well. Freedom is often not easy. Especially if you are prone to second guessing yourself.
The more freedom you have, the more choices you have. Take the snolfs. You say they drive your choices to a non-trivial degree. This is undoubtedly true. That is the price you pay for having children and raising them the way you do. You can change that by making a choice. You can say to Lobo, "I'm tired of raising them, they are yours" and walk out the door. Then they will not drive your choices. But you will pay a very different price, and from everything you have written I suspect a much higher one.
You receive many rewards from the choices you have made. Are the rewards worth the price? Do you think you can do "better" by making different choices now?
There are times in all of our lives when we think we would like something different. Are you willing to give up what you have for the new things?
I think my reply is already longer than your post. I will stop here.
Agreed
I'd go with Jorge on this one, particularly his comment that you (already) make the decisions, without being coerced, and (sooner or later) receive the costs and rewards. I (respectfully!)think that perhaps the issue might be reframed as one of desired costs and rewards, as opposed to freedom per se.
But then, I might be completely off the track :-)
Come on, you know you want
Come on, you know you want to give in. The road less traveled, spontaneity, all good adventures lack an agenda, etc. Plus you could help beercan out...........if you know what I mean.
Congratulations!
Your record of not knowing to quit when you’re ahead is intact, Prom.
Don't let it get you down
Everyone feels that way. Often as we begin to look at the causal elements to our lives, we find a sense of determination, but the choosing was still there. Me? I'm the metaphysical scarecrow what attached himself to storm-tossed balloon. I always feel adrift now, rather than determined. I can't say as the feeling is better or worse, but I know it's mine, and most nights, that's enough. You have people you love, who need you, and I do not. That sense of self-possession that comes of such isolation comes also with a price I'd be happy to stop paying some day.
Find your own way
I think just about everyone who yearns to live free has had an occasional crisis of confidence like the one it seems you're going through. It sounds like it's time for you to look in the proverbial (or literal) mirror, remember your core goals and decide if those goals still fit the person you've become since you last set them. You may be experiencing some psychological blowback from your recent move, finding that changing the scenery didn't change your restlessness — so you're wise to think a little before making another physical move.
Your various writings over the years about living free are evidence you're in tune with the concept; it's the translation into reality that provides most of the hangups.
Remember that those other freedom-loving individuals are going and acting in the way their own paths took them; find your own way. That may very well be in their vicinity, or it may be half a world away, or you might want to consider the old cliche to bloom where you're planted.
When in doubt, wait, says I. But don't let the wait turn into stagnation.
----
"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."
Clarity
Thanks, Jorge, Shaun, Brian, and B.W. Thinking about your comments has helped me arrive at a better understanding of my current frustration.
Yes; and that is a price I am not willing to pay. Being apart from them for just a few months at a time was intolerable.
It isn’t a matter of wanting something different, in terms of things ... aside from raising my children, I lack focus. And I do not want to be the sort of parent who’s unwilling or unable to let go of them out of fear of not having another project or goal to focus on.
I hope that you’re able to change this very soon, Brian.
You’ve hit on another element of it, my friend. I’m missing many friends from my former environs, and those we visited recently highlighted a couple of shifts in that realm. Where we currently live, there are no pro-freedom people close by; the nearest ones are about a two-hour drive away. That doesn’t make for easy nor spontaneous get-togethers. Secondly, while it is nice to be here, for reasons I’d rather not go into right now the predominant feeling is that my presence was as much needed as it was wanted. Being among my friends, it was striking how much different it felt to me to be primarily wanted, without the strings of need.
Getting personal
I could give you several reasons not to worry about this, but will just do two: First of all, focus is about one thing. You cannot focus on your children and on, say, a medical career. This is not to say that you cannot do both, just that you cannot focus on both. Focusing on your children while they are young, is IMO, a very good thing. Secondly, given everything you have written about your interaction with them, I do not think they will let you cling. When they want space, they will let you know. At that point, you, being an intelligent person, will realize that you no longer need to focus on them and can start becoming more actively involved with other things. At that point you will not be distracted by the need to focus on the children and other things will come into view naturally.
Seriously, that is what has happened with us. As they grow, the children make their own space. Now that they are 15 and 12 we still interact quite a bit, but on a very different level than we did when they were seven and four. You will find the pattern to be the same, although I am sure the specifics will be different.
Perhaps an opportunity to make friends outside the pro-freedom movement? Who knows, after getting to know someone they may move closer to your political position. I'll bet where you live there are plenty of people into shooting. Perhaps you have other interests in common as well.
I lived in Asia for 11+ years. During that time I met one person who considered himself a libertarian. But I met plenty of other interesting and fun people, several on whom I considered friends and am still in touch with. Branch out. Our political philosophy is not all there is in the world. Other people are also worth knowing.
And this is bad why? You do not give details but I assume that you are not referring to your children, who both need and want you. I do not think it is bad to be needed. Need can provide a solid basis for a strong relationship. From need can come appreciation and other positive emotions. Need is not a bad thing. Whereas want, by itself, tends to be fickle.
You have made choices, these have resulted in many doors being closed to you. You are looking through those doors and bemoaning the fact that you cannot go through them. By doing this you are missing all the opportunities that are available on your current path. Every decision shuts off opportunities and presents new ones. Look at the the ones you have available.
Thank you.
Thank you.