I Think I’ve Turned an Important Corner

This is gonna be a very personal ramble (but with many links, some of which may be stimulating or helpful to some of you eleven), providing some closure regarding some recent turmoil, so it’s all going to be tucked behind the velvet drapery. One further note: if you think I’m speaking of you in what follows, you may or may not be right; but please, for our privacy’s sake, take such lines of conversation to email.

I no longer recall when I began whining here about “friend problems”—and in some ways, I’m sufficiently embarrassed that I ever took it up to go searching for the answer. So, no back links to this saga [huzzah!], but rather a summary originating in my current perspective.

I had been a member of two pro-freedom fora for quite some time. They have rather different foci, and quite different members and interests, so there actually was rather little overlap in one sense ... but as I invested more of my time and energy in them, I began to have difficulties at each. At both places I attempted (mostly not-consciously at first) to gain the favor of a particular group of members—much as most of us prefer to deny or downplay it, we are status-seeking critters to some degree or other, and I am no exception. That became a problem, however: first, I had prior, individual relationships with some of the other members outside the forum—and they didn’t always dovetail with those efforts to gain acceptance; and second, in trying to accomplish that my participation at both places shifted away from individually-based contributions and toward “playing to the group”—not always, but more than this alleged individualist is happy about now, you can be sure.

Misunderstandings in communication are always possible, and I created my share of them. Perhaps it’s my naïveté talking again, but I like to think that amongst reasonable individuals, such challenges can be resolved in some constructive fashion or other (even agreeing to disagree can be constructive). But when each thinks the other is being unreasonable, and/or when there’s an audience to goad one or both, civil resolution can reside in a briar patch too thorny to traverse. And thus can intelligent, compassionate, reasonable individuals begin acting otherwise.

I think it was when I was in high school and was lamenting to my mother about a similar situation, she provided me with an insight that has stuck with me. She said, “When you have a problem with one person, the source can be you, or him. If you have the same problem with another person, you might start wondering ... and if you have the same problem with several people, look to the common denominator and you’ll probably find the source. That common denominator is you.” When I finally got through being hurt and pouting and angry and generally giving my ego full rein, I recalled this insight, and saw that it applied. (Although one might wish to take it a step further and say that the true lowest common denominator is “human nature”, that doesn’t seem helpful to me. It strikes me as a dodging of responsibility.)

The problem wasn’t the fora, nor necessarily the cliques that inevitably form at such places: it was me. I was playing to a group, while still wanting to be treated as an individual; and in so doing I failed to consistently respond to others as individuals. My ego became too involved in the doings ... I interpreted slights where none existed, and in other ways compounded my problems. So, I pulled back.

Others may successfully engage with each other at such places, but my experiments thus far are 100% in suggesting I cannot. (If you are now wondering why I joined Anarch.Me, that is a very different place from a forum—although it does have one. Its focus is not on discussion, but building relationships and taking action.) Or, as I wrote to a friend recently: “I see myself as channeling Isabel Paterson these days, although with far less of her intellect ... I’m a ‘committee of one’ and my blog is the best place for doing my snakey-anarchist-individualist thing.” And thus, I aim to engage with others—if they’ll have me in the wake of my departures—at their blogs, or in email. That is what works best for me. And to be true to myself, that is what I must use as my light.

Regular readers can probably now identify some of my progression to this place in past personal ramblings; even though I tried to credit others who’ve assisted my thinking in those posts I know I missed many. For example, he may not realize it but in my interview of him, Mike Gogulski helped me see how I was clinging to many inaccurate and unhelpful ideas. Peter Saint–Andre has been enormously influential, from The Art of Friendship and its broader context, Randian Reflections to Letting Go of Ought and The Tao of Roark and excellent blog posts I’d like to deeply and leisurely ponder. Even though I was stupidly pissy toward him regarding He-Who-Must-Still-Not-Be-Named-By-Me [initials R.P.], I did not forget Bill St. Clair’s vision of a brighter world. Our own NonEntity, accompanied by The Handmaiden and Mama Liberty, has broadened my horizons considerably on several matters, including pursuing and attaining health—and I am pleased to say that I am already seeing benefits. B.W.’s gentle reminders not to be afraid always help.

Many of you, including but not limited to Jorge, Mr. Bill, Wolfie, NeoWayland, Shaun, and Pagan, provided invaluable critical commentary—never think for a minute that because what you say seems counter or challenging to what I’ve rambled that I immediately dismiss it. In my morning web wanderings today I came across a post that seems to neatly summarize what my goal has been for some time: Expose Yourself to Bulk, Random Positiveness (although I take some exception to his assertion that “any college or university serves up randomness on a silver platter”). I found that link here, while also intrigued by this bit on rationality. [That may come as a relief to some of you who are probably wondering if I’ve gone entirely off the deep end! I am indeed trying to be Less Wrong.]

There is simply too much to think, to explore, to celebrate, to grow, to learn, and to love to stay focused on human pettiness in any form. My pursuit of these things may not come close to yours, but at the very least I hope we can acknowledge that each of us is doing what we think most in keeping with our own self-interest, and respect that. As I mentioned last night, I wish to attain greater inner peace, for I think that is the key to helping create outer peace.

Namaste.