In Which I Confess a Personal Problem with the Positive Psychology Approach

If you do not like parts of your personality, then work to change them. There is no need to "be who you are" if you do not like who you are.

When I was 25 I made a serious conscious effort to change many aspects of my life because I was not happy and I did not like many things about me. I soon realized that it was not a one time effort.

It is a continuous process. I think that I am a better person today than I was five years ago. I will be a better person in five years than I am today. I am not perfect and never will be, but that does not mean I cannot improve. I can make life better for myself and for those around me. So I do.

The first step for me was to realize what I was doing and what I was saying. It is kind of like budgeting. You have to know where the money is going if you intend to control your spending, so you record.

Once I had some idea of what I was doing I tried to figure out why, and to stop doing the things I did not like.

Initially it is a lot of work but soon becomes second nature. For me it was, and is, well worth the effort.

Best of luck with whatever approach you take.

I'm hardly the person to give advice, since I'm so bad at self-improvement. But I'll do it anyway. ;-)

For starters, there's this:

or worse: what you think another might want you to be.

I'm guessing that very few of those "relaxed, happy, and comfortable" people that you admire are actually presenting you with a list of your faults. (If they were doing so, it would be a lot easier to discount their rude busybody opinions!) So you're filling in the Terra Incognita with your own imaginary version of what they must think of you -- and because they're so superior to you, what they think must include a lot of disapproval and a bit of disgust and pity.

(Been there, done that, still doing it.)

This is just your own thoughts echoing around in your head, and doesn't have much to do with what others really think of you. (Besides, they're probably thinking "Damn, I wish I had Sunni's [insert character trait here]!")

Now, the other side of this is: I think it is good to compare yourself to others, and to listen to what the "herd mentality" is saying, to a limited extent. I don't see too many of us with John Galt-like egos and intelligence, who can unerringly determine what is right starting from A=A with no need to consult anyone else.

I don't know how you can change yourself, and simultaneously "be who you are". For me, there's practically a terror of changing (even for the better) and no longer being me. I don't handle that problem very well. The best advice I've found comes from the Buddhists, who point out that we are continuously changing anyway, like it or not, and that the "me" of this moment will be gone in the next. Also, it's plenty easy to see the changes in "me" that have been for the worse over the years -- for some reason it was easy to accept those changes.

A related issue here is that you can only change yourself in certain ways. Or probably I should say that some changes are merely difficult, while others are so contrary to "me" that I would not want to attempt them. For example, I'd like to reduce the amount of time I spend being angry, but I would never do this by becoming willfully ignorant of current events. Unfortunately it's also unlikely that I could eliminate anger by filling my heart with love. I can try, but if I ever really succeeded at that, it would be because Bill-as-we-know-him had been replaced by a substantially different person.

Thanks for bringing up an interesting topic. Next item on my self-improvement list: actually getting this big list of chores done rather than sitting around typing on someone's blog for half the morning. :-)

I’m going to indulge in a bit of psychology here, while denying its worth. :-)

I think that entire Socio-Psychology field has built a worthless philosophy——and many careers in many ancillary fields——on the premise that one must be taken apart before he can be put back together. And the world has been brainwashed by this. This is especially true in government, education, and formal religions (not to mention the medical profession!), all of which are determined to be the decision-maker in how the individual should be remolded.

“So. I have been, and am, a person whose self–image is probably overly driven by others.”

Define “overly driven by others.” Surely you can think for yourself; you do not allow your ideals and beliefs to be compromised by influence from others. Are you speaking of something beyond that?

“But I’m especially hard on myself when I see people who genuinely are the way I would like to be: relaxed, happy, and comfortable in one’s own body and mind.”

Why are they happy? What makes _you_ happy?

If, e.g., their belief in God makes them happy, would _you_ be happier by becoming a believer?

Perhaps they’re happy because they feel safe surrounded by their own kind; they would, therefore, be less “relaxed, happy and comfortable” if surrounded by self-motivated, free-market atheists. (Libertarians, grossly out-numbered, have so little opportunity to surround others!) What does that say about them?

We’ve discussed this before in terms of enjoying the company of other people who don’t have our ideals or beliefs——and I think that is possible——but that’s not what this is about, is it?

The ‘enjoyment’ of other people stems from personality and tolerance, in willingness to recognize common goals and to work together for them within a community, no matter what one’s ideals. But this enjoyment is on a different level from our basic philosophical position. It shouldn’t raise doubt, or think we’re being “driven by others”, because we can see another’s viewpoint and deal civilly with it (while not believing in it ourselves).

Happiness is subjective; in reaching for _your_ ideological happiness——the freedom to be yourself, and perhaps a free society as well——you won’t find it by comparing your happiness to theirs.

If your self-image will be driven more than you would like by those around you, then make sure that those around you are people you can honestly respect and admire.

Things have been very busy with us the past few days, so while I have read everything y’all have shared here, I haven’t been able yet to reflect upon it much. I appreciate all the ideas and observations, and expect I’ll follow up more meaningfully once I have done so.

A lot of what you're describing sounds very familiar to me. All I can say is that if you sit with these feelings instead of ignoring them, you're bound to discover more about where they originate. It doesn't have to be legs-crossed-chanting-ohm meditation; I find that walking allows my mind to free up and work on problems.

We anarchists focus so much on our repressed brothers and sisters in the world outside our skin that we often ignore the repression of parts of ourselves within our skin. You call it self-judgement, but it's really about parts you accept dominating parts you do not accept, isn't it? I offer that we have a politics within us, and that requires concerted investment of effort just as much as the mess in the outer world.