Laura asked "what are some of the primary things that you conspirators do as parents that you see as starkly contrasting (and therefore a very good thing) with the mainstream?"
This is a more complicated question than it seems, especially since the "things" change over time. As children get older the interaction changes. I think the important thing is the underling philosophy that is used. The details grow out of the philosophy.
The basic premise was, and still is, that they are independent individuals with the same rights as we have. Note that is the same rights. Not more and not less. We respect their property and expect them to respect ours. We do not initiate force against them and expect them not to initiate it against others.
How does this translate into day-to-day interactions? Well, now that they are 10 and 13, it is pretty much like dealing with a peer. Not 100% because their depth of experience is not as great as ours, but that is the only reason. They have their areas of competence, we have ours, everyone makes a contribution to supporting the household, everyone derives benefits. I don't think that Annie and I make most of the decisions anymore, but that is unclear. Here are a few examples:
- We have several dogs and cats. The eldest informed us that it was time for their annual shots, called the vet and scheduled a time for him to come over. He came yesterday and both of the children assisted with the process. I paid him.
- We usually do food shopping together. Yesterday the youngest noticed that we were out of some things so suggested we go shopping today. We all agreed on a time, made a list together and this morning went shopping.
- A new tax package is in the final stages. All of us have been discussing what we should do if it passes. Should we sell the house and rent? Possibly leave Costa Rica? Some serious issues. Everyone has been actively involved in the discussion.
- The other day Annie and the girls watched the movie Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, which I did not see. All of them tell me it is very funny. And contains "adult" themes. It does not bother us that our children watch "adult" movies. They can handle it. If they have questions on anything they see or hear, we are there to answer them. Both Annie and I agree that the current prejudice which says that violence is fine but sex is not is simply sick. The bottom line is that if we are going to watch it, they will also, if they want. BTW we do not get Playboy or anything like that, simply because we are not interested.
This is pretty much how we interact. And how we have interacted for all of their lives. We have always involved them in decisions, even when most people would have thought them too young to understand what is going on. We have always respected their property. We have always explained why we do things, or why some things should not be done.
Of course we have our rough spots, like any family, but the underling idea is one of mutual respect among individuals. This means no coercion and no trespass. We all respect that, even during the less than optimal interactions.
Seeing other families basically our entire lives are in stark contract. I know that my daughters agree as they often give detailed commentary on the interpersonal interactions of people that they spend time with.
AAA - Stark Contrasts
Laura says:
Jorge, I like the examples you share. How did you set the stage for this in the earliest years? You say you've "always interacted this way."
I have a 17 month old, so am particularly interested in how to minimize or eliminate forceful interactions. Like we're heading out somewhere and he doesn't want to put on shoes and socks, but it's really cold. :) Or teaching respect for property as little ones are by nature curious and grabby.
I think I'm on the right track with some things, for example, he's really interested in the dishwasher, so now he helps me unload it every morning. And he's genuinely helpful - it gets done faster with his help. Most of my friends think I'm nuts for giving a 17 month old "work" - but he chose it himself (I don't make him do it) and it's such a nice small way to let his confidence as a part of our family community grow.
If you have any techniques that worked well for you with your kids as wee ones, I'd love to hear them. (And I'd buy the book too!)
And, Monika, if you're reading this, I'd love to hear more about your style with your son.
Jorge says:
Hmmm, maybe I have a new career opportunity. At least I can sell two copies of a book :). Thanks to both of you.
As my daughters were born in Singapore we never had to deal with the issue of cold, but Sunni gives an excellent reply which is right in line with the philosophy.
Teaching respect for property takes time, patience and repetition. When they grab something that they should not, explain why this is not good in terms they can understand. If I recall correctly, we did this by telling them they would not like it if others took their things without asking.
Keep giving him work! This is ideal. As Sunni says, ask him to do things. Keep him involved. This is the best way for him to learn skills and responsibility. At some point you can ask him to do it by himself (with you watching the first few times). This will give him more self-confidence and pride.
One thing that we did is not to gush over accomplishments. "Good job, thanks" it about all we say. We let the satisfaction of accomplishment be its own reward. When things were not done well something like "thanks for doing X, next time, try to do it "this way" so that it will come out better." Of course explaining why "this way" is better.
Do not expect what you say to take hold the first time. Patience and repetition.
Monika says:
Hi, Laura.
It's great to hear this little person is working with you in the kitchen!
I have always thought that if you include children in the life of your household, it won't come as such a shock to them when they're teenagers that there are chores to do and how do they wash their own shirts or make a sandwich?
I was a latch key kid so basically I had to learn to do stuff by myself otherwise I'd go hungry until my mom came home from work.
Praise works wonders with little people. And there's a little trick, if they do something wrong, and at 17 months it's just often unintentional, instead of saying 'no' or 'wrong' or something of that sort, you turn the situation around and by saying how to do things right and they get suggested by what you said and change their behaviour. It works great with linguistic mistakes, instead of correcting 'I goed to the store' you say something like 'You went to the store? great!' The next time they'll remember the way you said it, and say or do it right.I'm not sure if I did a good job at explaining this.
It might be a method which could work for you. Or not. Children are just so different.
Re: hitting- I absolutely agree with Jorge that we don't initiate fights. I think that children should learn how to deal with their conflicts in other ways, either by saying 'stop' or 'I don't want to play like that' or 'you're not being nice' to their peers. Or if they get really angry just try and walk away and take it out on an inanimate object, it things do get really bad. Unfortunately there are children who don't react to other people's words and there's the real problem- if they hurt your child he should be able to, in my opinion, defend him/herself by other means to get the message across. There is a mom around here who told her boy once to apologize to my son for hitting even though my child was the one to start the fight.
Patience and repetition, as Jorge said, work wonders, and pretty soon the patience that you show your child will work on you too.
When it comes to grabbing things- well, at 17 months it is quite normal and a great opportunity to teach him the word 'private' or 'not yours'.
When my little guy doesn't want to share I usually say 'You don't have to share, but it would be nice if you did'. There's this misconception going around about what sharing is, and it bends me out of shape: you must share- I hear often at the local library where we go for storytimes. Well, if you're being forced then it's not really sharing is it? You can only share out of your own free will, and if you don't want to then learn how to say 'no' politely. That should make the allergic reaction to 'no' in toddlers and their mothers a little more bearable.
Sunni says:
Patience, and repetition, and creativity are essential to helping children grow up with a firm foundation of respecting property rights. That isn't always easy, and can be more challenging if both parents don't share a freedom-oriented perspective (even sharing it doesn't guarantee there won't be parental differences, of course). More on this above.
Mike Ruff says:
First of all, let me say that no matter what your methods, parenting isn't easy (obviously). That being said, adopting "anarchist" methods of parenting are much less stressful, because they don't require the absolute control at all times of absolutely everything. It does require some major patience and retraining on those of us who weren't raised by anarchist methods--we still have a tendency to want to fall back on the "old school" methods--spanking, shouting, arguing, insisting, ordering, etc. You really have to make yourself stop and think, and ask yourself: 1) "Does this really matter?" and 2) "What is the right way to do this?" and 3) "How would I want someone to deal with me if I were in this situation?"
Also, it does require that you put some forethought into things, and allow the children to learn from their errors while protecting them from serious/injurious consequences which go beyond teaching. As for the example about the child refusing to wear warm clothing before going outside, it'd be easier (and more consistent with non-aggressive principles) to allow the child to refuse, but bring the clothing along. The child will learn from the discomfort, but will have the clothing available so that the lesson is not a harmful one. Yes, it's an annoyance, and perhaps even somewhat inconvenient, but such is parenting.
The key is: think, plan, and remember that the child doesn't know better, and that aggression won't teach the lesson you want the child to learn.
Sunni says:
Thanks for your contributions, Mike. I will say, though, that I am not averse to doing some ordering and insisting -- if the situation calls for it. And "the situation" is one in which someone's property rights are not being respected. It's taken me a while to grok this (to my everlasting chagrin), but respecting property rights is so fundamental that I'm quite hardcore about it, even if the property owner isn't.
Laura says:
It seems a core part of your parenting, Sunni, as I've understood from these postings, to allow space for children to discover, question, be individuals for lots of reasons, chief among them would be that what you decide to do yourself you truly believe vs what you're forced to do you may not (the difference between compliance and committment.) If that's so, it would be helpful for me to hear how property rights are different? Wouldn't it be more effective to let kids experience the consequences associated with not being respectful of other's property (including making Mom really, really mad, if that's one), and experience their own internal reactions to that choice, rather than "insisting" on a certain behavior? It seems like it's even more important for something so "fundemental" as you state to provide your kids opportunities to develop an intense and personal value around that belief themselves rather than insist that they behave as if they have it.
vache folle says:
If you write a book on parenting, I will buy copies and distribute the to parents I know.